Finding ‘Me’

“When you are curious, you learn. When you are desperate, you discover”
– Mooji

Author’s Note: Let’s try something new this time around. Here, I have uploaded the audio excerpts of me narrating my blogpost for each section. You may choose to read or listen to this entry. 🙂 Have fun!

It’s been almost two months since my last entry. Wow, where did all that time go?

A friend of mine reminded me of this space – this ‘Purpose Driven Calm’ environment which I had created for myself (and of course for you, dear readers) back in August 2020. Thank you, dear friend for reminding me to continue where I’ve left off and I am glad to be back.

Today, I would like to share with you my discovery over the past two months – unearthing myself, and what I truly desire in life. Up until recently, I have come to realise that I have been searching for a new purpose, something which has not quite surfaced for awhile now. I have also discovered intent – whereby executing a daily ‘checklist’ has kept me better grounded for the next day. Last but not least, I have discovered a new source of happiness. Which is something I will get to – wait for it! 🙂

Finding Purpose

Feeling fulfilled, driven and accomplished are things that fuel me. There is no slice of cake, pill or shortcut that can just ‘make this happen’. Perhaps you could relate – the feeling that though the day was long, it was well worth the effort and that you could go to bed feeling ‘at peace’. It reminded me of the scene in Avengers: Endgame where Tony Stark (Iron Man) had a “mild inspiration” that led him to create the ‘Time Machine’ for the Avenger’s Time Heist. However, what resonated most to me, was during Tony’s conversation with Pepper about his internal struggles. He was debating if he should continue his efforts or just push it all aside and head to bed, to which Pepper responded:

“But would you be able to rest?”
– Pepper Potts (Avengers: Endgame, 2019)

I guess all of us, somewhere, somehow, have been searching for this purpose at some point in our lives. This purpose may morph, grow or stay constant. Without this purpose, comes a feeling of void, and hours may seem like years; or a sinking feeling of emptiness as one looks over a vast, barren desert.

For me, I am still searching. The search for that little green shoot which I want to nurture and grow, and hopefully one day share the fruits of my labour with those who are in need of mentorship. Just knowing and realising that this would be my first step at this point in my life, gives me purpose.

“When the roots are deep, there is no reason to fear the wind” – African Proverb

Because one day, I hope that I could also feel at peace with myself and my accomplishments. Like in this tear-jerking scene in Avengers: Endgame.

Setting Intent

In this journey of discovering purpose, I found intent.

One day, when I realised that none of the ‘usual’ thing that I did could stop the flurry of thoughts in my head, I grew so desperate for a cure. A refresh. Honestly, I never thought that I needed it, as I’ve never found it in any way useful. The it I am referring to is Meditation.

As a child, my parents would send me for meditation classes. The ‘teacher’ would have me run around in circles (alone) in an empty, dimly lit room, chanting a single ‘word’ in my head over and over for some period of time. Perhaps they (the mediation school?) thought that this could help a child focus their minds. Honestly, I felt that it was a total waste of time and definitely a long-lasting bad reputation for anyone mentioning meditation to me moving forward in my life.

The room kinda looked like this, with lighter blue-ish walls, dimly lit with white lighting and a single chair (not a stool like in the picture) in the centre of the room where I would run around it. (Image courtesy of Vecteezy Free Photos)

My perspective changed when I discovered Headspace. A childhood friend mentioned this once to me many years back, which I quickly brushed off thinking that this was just another circle running routine ran by a scam school. But alas, like Shakespeare once said,

“Desperate times breed desperate measures”
– William Shakespeare

Though being desperate, I chided myself into giving it a 5-minute shot (if there could be a shorter time selection – I might have even gone for that!). Mind you, those 5-minutes was the clearest, most memorable 5-minutes of my life. That crisp, white, clean, clear feeling I felt as I opened my eyes after that short stint made me realise how important it is for us to have some quiet in the mind – even just for awhile.

The feeling and the moment of clarity. Image taken during one of my jogs at a park near my home in Malacca. (2020)

That was how I learnt to set my intent for the day, and I begin by doing so just before I go to bed. As I close my eyes, I would make a mental list of things I wish to accomplish the next day. It could be a challenge in one of my daily workouts, a daunting task to complete at work, or maybe even grabbing my favorite salad from my go-to local bakery. Whatever that list may be, it will be a short, two-three task list that is both reasonable and achievable. By setting this intent, I realised that it helped me to stay focused, determined and geared-up towards achieving that longer-end goal. Perhaps, dear reader, that you may already have your recipe for success and how you set your intent in your life. I would be so happy to hear yours and feel free to reach out to me at your leisure!

New Found Happiness

As I ventured into a new role and chapter in my career path on May 4th, 2021, I wanted to be prepared. One of my biggest fears is fearing the unknown and that was what drove me to pursue a Business Fundamentals Professional Certificate with the University of British Columbia. After my first module, I was sold (well, maybe that’s why they are so good at it – it is business!). Honestly, I never thought I could enjoy a course outside of my field of interest so much!

Completed 1 out of 3 modules in the Business Fundamentals course. More to come!!

My husband, who graduated from a reputable business school said that one of the best ways one could learn business fundamentals is when you are right in middle of practicing it so that you could apply these concepts as you learn. I guess that was why I found it so fun!

The sheer genius behind these fundamental concepts that could make businesses make it or break it. How these ideas materialize and then transform itself into real life businesses – be it big or small, extremely successful, or just a downright failure is just so fascinating to me. It all began somewhere and there is so much we can learn from all of these real-life examples. A decade ago I was but a budding radiation therapist who would never have guessed that future Stephanie would someday enjoy this new found happiness in her learning journey.

If you are a radiation therapist (or you could be anyone!), and you have read this far, I would like to invite you to join me someday on this learning journey. Be it if you are looking for a career beyond your day-to-day grind, or simply because you enjoy exploring knowledge. Whenever you feel ready, take that step, that little step outside your comfort zone. You may, or may not like it but what have you got to lose? Maybe this new found knowledge is not your cup of tea, but guess what? At least you could tell yourself – “hey, I’ve been there, tried that, not my thing“. Or – you may come to realise that this is your calling or your new found purpose!

Author’s note: I am not affiliated to or sponsored by any of the sources quoted here in this blog post. Views are of my own and must not be construed otherwise.

Credit/Sources:
1. “But would you be able to rest?” snippet from Avengers: Endgame – uploaded by That Moment
2. “You can rest now” snippet from Avengers: Endgame – uploaded by Are You Not Entertained
3. Background audio credit: Bensound.com